Monday, February 06, 2012

I grabbed a few extra bags from the self bagging station at the grocery store today. (We use them for our recycle bin.) The Cashier lady RAN after me yelling "MAM!" and when she caught up to me, proceeded to tell me that I had to pay for those.

First of all... Really?

Secondly... how embarrassing.

This singular event sent me into a downward spiral of self pitty and rejection. Suddenly my entire day has been filled with guilt...

Who have I offended this past week?
Why did I eat so much during the super-bowl?
My house is a disaster.
I spend too much time on facebook.
I yell too much at my kids.
I am not as good as so and so.
My to do list is overwhelming.
Why can't I be better?
I talk to much about myself.
me... me.... me....
why? why? why?

Why do I do this? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I feel this need to be accepted and good? Why can't I laugh at myself, learn from my mistakes and move on?

I am so jealous of people who don't care what other people think, who can roll with the punches and who are easy-going, happy-go-lucky people. Why can't I be more like that?

Obviously there are deeper seeded problems here than the grocery store clerk chasing me down for stealing brown paper bags, but really! Why do I get so bent out of shape for such little things?


Katie said...

I'm pretty sure we are the same person, on opposite sides of the country. Believe me when I say I KNOW how you feel! I don't how some people can seem to be so happy, but let me tell you, it does no good to compare your bad days to their best! And not to mention, you are amazing!! Just simply your list of goals is incredible, you really inspire me to go for things and to strive for something better. You are incredible Kristen, and I say this even though I only knew you for a couple semesters. But just know, you shine!!! I miss ya friend : )

Mama B said...

You are awesome! And NO ONE is as perfect or as happy as they seem, promise!! When I was reading this it reminded me of a book that my mom recenlty gave me and I have been reading bits a pieces here and there. (I just went to go and get it and I can't find it anywhere, otherwise I would tell you the name of it. I think Oak ran off with it or something) In the book she talks about going to the store to pick up a movie at redbox and she was talking on the phone while she was getting it and a lady at the end of the line chastised her about talking on the phone while using the redbox. She left feeling defeated and it turned into a whole series of why she can't do this or that or why she isn't like this or that. And she was being really hard on herself. Then she talks about SEEING good days instead of HAVING good days. It is really good! Anyway, sorry about your rough encounter at the grocery store. And I am going to text you about coming to my house for a playdate soon.

Sam and Josh said...

I know how you feel! Minus the stealing bags part...Awkward! Just kidding! I love you! We all have things that we deal with in our lives, as perfect as someone looks you always have to remember they are facing their own battles everyday. This might sound really cheesy and dumb, but read the 7 habits book! Specifically the chapter about Abundance mentality! It really puts things into perspective! I love you!!!!!!!

Rob and Steph Puterbaugh said...

i can't believe she chased you down just for 10 cents. I imagine that's about all they cost. crazy.

A.E. said...

I feel the exact way sometimes! Like a little thing sends you into a meltdown! Know that all of us feel just the same. Just keep trying! Remember the really sucky days also help you realize how lovely the happy ones are. As a newlywed, I feel ups and downs and wonder what the heck is wrong with me sometimes! We are all humans, we are women with so many emotions. Remember you are divine, it's hard to do. You are such a talented woman, I admire your blog your photography, and more importantly your example of a dedicated mother and wife- something I have much learning to do!

Mr. and Mrs. Hillarious said...

We all have those days, no matter how things look from the outside. As long as you're working on moving forward in your life (which you obviously are) then you're fine. I'm certainly glad we have all eternity to reach perfection. I'm gonna need a good chunk of it to get there. And it's nice that you're willing to open up and share your thoughts, it helps the rest of us feel normal when we have similar thoughts. Thanks!

BECKY said...

just be a a little more sneaky next time... :)


bruinjack said...

You should triple bag next time.

Margaret said...

I can offer up my services to beat people up. I have some real moves. Anything to make you feel better.

Lots of times in life we can either laugh or cry. I try really hard to laugh at those times because "hey who else do these crazy things happen to...other than me". I feel better when I do that. That is not to say that I don't break down sometimes. (Last week twice.)

I think you are amazing!

And shorten your "to do" list and give yourself some room to live without it pressing on you all the time. Also, (this sounds bad) lower your expectations to something more realistic. I couldn't accomplish a tenth of the things on your list because it's SO long. I love you. Lots of people do. Remember that.

Love and hugs.