Tuesday, April 24, 2012

It is times like right now that I wish I had a personal journal. I just know that I would rarely write in it, and that it would get lost or just take up space that I don't have in my night stand (I know this from past experience.) So I guess I have to write here, trying not to divulge too much information, but writing enough so that I and my posterity get the message later down the road. Plus I am fairly certain only five people read my blog, so it is pretty close to personal. Right?

I think I have anxiety. I am self diagnosed, but still I think I have it. That or I am just a typical hormonal woman.

The anxiety comes in waves...

When I was eight, I would cry on the bus ride home and run to my house from the bus stop as fast as I could because I was ABSOLUTELY sure that something bad had happened to my parents. 

When I was a little older, I convinced myself that if I popped my knuckles ten more times I would keel over and die.

I was also convinced that it was possible to get sucked down the bath tub drain or into a pool vent (thanks 60 minutes)

I would lay in bed with horrible feelings inside like something terrible would happen, I was so afraid of dying that I was sure that I would not be around to wear my tooth fairy costume on Halloween when I was ten.

The feelings and anxiety went away for a really long time, I thought I had outgrown it or learned to control it. I got really good at praying when I felt bad. But alas, I got married, and a whole new set of anxiety set in. EVERY SINGLE DAY for the first year of my marriage I was afraid something would happen to Jared. I would cry on his shoulder probably once a week telling him how I was afraid he was going to die. When I was pregnant, I was sure that something would happen to the baby. We even had a plan for if we had a still birth. Now, I check on the kids in bed 3 times before I go to bed. 

So, I have not had really bad anxiety feelings for a really long time. But just recently I have had several horrible thoughts that something bad is going to happen, not necessarily now, but that I am being prepared for something sooner or later. But this time it is different. I would not say that the feeing is different or that they are more real, because they are pretty much the same things. It is my attitude that has changed. I keep thinking that if something bad happens, I will be really sad, and I just don't know if I can handle it. But now I know that my Father in Heaven knows what he is doing, has a plan, and knows my needs and feelings and thoughts WAY better than I do.

So it will be ok. 

I will be heart broken, and I am not sure how I will handle it, but for now I know it would all be ok.

"nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt" Matthew 26:39


BECKY said...

I do this too.

Chellie said...

Sorry I read your personal entry but thank you for writing it. It made me cry. I too feel like I am constantly living in fear and I make up all sorts of scenarios in my head..sometimes I get so wrapped up in them I really can't function. But the answer to any fear, real or imagined, is the scripture you posted. "Not my will, but Thine." All will be well as we trust Him who loves us most. thanks for posting. You're amazing.

Mr. and Mrs. Hillarious said...

I have moments of this, as well. Sometimes I think I do it so that if it does happen I won't be surprised, but is worrying about it any better? I don't know. I worry and worry about my babies and definitely check on the kids before I go to sleep. But you hit the answer on the head. God is at the helm.

Teresa said...

Have you heard of LDSJournal.com? It's online journaling. You might want to give it a try.

Karen said...

Well, you hide it well my dear. How can you be so anxiety filled and yet totally make my day when I read what you wrote on my blog? I'm sorry you suffer with this but can I just say that it proves you were not switched at birth as you are so much in line with many many many of your family.