A M o s s y B l o g

It is times like right now that I wish I had a personal journal. I just know that I would rarely write in it, and that it would get lost or just take up space that I don't have in my night stand (I know this from past experience.) So I guess I have to write here, trying not to divulge too much information, but writing enough so that I and my posterity get the message later down the road. Plus I am fairly certain only five people read my blog, so it is pretty close to personal. Right?

I think I have anxiety. I am self diagnosed, but still I think I have it. That or I am just a typical hormonal woman.

The anxiety comes in waves...

When I was eight, I would cry on the bus ride home and run to my house from the bus stop as fast as I could because I was ABSOLUTELY sure that something bad had happened to my parents. 

When I was a little older, I convinced myself that if I popped my knuckles ten more times I would keel over and die.

I was also convinced that it was possible to get sucked down the bath tub drain or into a pool vent (thanks 60 minutes)

I would lay in bed with horrible feelings inside like something terrible would happen, I was so afraid of dying that I was sure that I would not be around to wear my tooth fairy costume on Halloween when I was ten.

The feelings and anxiety went away for a really long time, I thought I had outgrown it or learned to control it. I got really good at praying when I felt bad. But alas, I got married, and a whole new set of anxiety set in. EVERY SINGLE DAY for the first year of my marriage I was afraid something would happen to Jared. I would cry on his shoulder probably once a week telling him how I was afraid he was going to die. When I was pregnant, I was sure that something would happen to the baby. We even had a plan for if we had a still birth. Now, I check on the kids in bed 3 times before I go to bed. 

So, I have not had really bad anxiety feelings for a really long time. But just recently I have had several horrible thoughts that something bad is going to happen, not necessarily now, but that I am being prepared for something sooner or later. But this time it is different. I would not say that the feeing is different or that they are more real, because they are pretty much the same things. It is my attitude that has changed. I keep thinking that if something bad happens, I will be really sad, and I just don't know if I can handle it. But now I know that my Father in Heaven knows what he is doing, has a plan, and knows my needs and feelings and thoughts WAY better than I do.

So it will be ok. 

I will be heart broken, and I am not sure how I will handle it, but for now I know it would all be ok.

"nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt" Matthew 26:39